Crushed Dream

Two nights ago I had a dream that they were making a movie about George Clooney's life, starring Johnny Depp as Mr. Clooney. It wasn't until someone mentioned Alice in Wonderland at lunch that I realized my movie didn't exist, and I got sad..

Dentists ruined photos

Have you ever noticed in old pictures no one is smiling? Can you imagine Mona Lisa smiling in her portrait? I bet she had some fucked up teeth! That’s because back then there weren’t any dentists, or they were just really expensive so no one could afford them. People only smiled back in the day when they were actually happy! Then dentists had to come along and ruin everything by giving people nice teeth. Nowadays it’s standard for everyone to stop and pose with a big smile for a picture, no matter what they are doing. And if you refuse to smile the person taking the picture calls you out like you’re some kind of freak. Even infants know when they see a camera to just instantly start smiling, what the fuck is up with that? It’s like impossible to get a candid photograph of people these days without setting up hidden cameras. Although this idea is kind of hot, it probably breaks some laws in some states. Here’s a scenario which I’m sure most people have encountered: You and your friends are at an amusement park, waiting in line for one of the rides. You’ve been standing in this line for about an hour and a half. It’s hot, you’re tired, and you’ve run out of things to talk about. Someone pulls out a camera and decides to take a picture. Immediately everyone groups together and puts on a big smile, *click*, everyone goes back to their normal long faces and complaining about the smell coming from the trash can over there.. People today even smile in pictures taken at funerals! I think this has to change, so I think today, March 4^th, should from now on be “Don’t smile unless you are actually happy” day, or at least “Kick your local dentist in the groin” day, still haven’t decided which one rolls off the tongue better.

I Hate Sneezing

Sneezing is useless, loud, and annoying. I honestly don't know what's the point of it? It's not like a cough where your body is trying to remove something from the airway, it's just a random thing that happens. I really hate sneezing, like I get pissed off when I feel a sneeze coming. First off, it causes you to do an involuntary movement. Seriously, try not to move the next time you sneeze, I'd pay money to see that. Plus it isn't even a cool movement, it's usually a backwards motion of the head followed by a thundering quick forward slam, like someone is performing a single head-bang. Why couldn't it be a badass motion like punching an invisible germ or something, at least then you'd look like a badass when you sneeze. And what's up with the people who sneeze when they look into the sun. Draw me a flowchart on how sunlight entering the iris causes your body to say, "Hey, that fireball in the sky is really bright, we should spray stuff out of the mouth right now". The worst though is when you try to hold in a sneeze, but the force is so great that a small gap forms between the lips causing a whoopy-cushion fart sound to emerge. Most people probably think throwing up is worse than sneezing, but at least when you throw up you actually feel better afterwards. Sneezing just makes you look like a jackass. Scientists should find out what part of our DNA causes sneezing and just laser that shit off, the world would be a better place.

Third Leg

So what if you got frostbite and had to have your penis amputated.. would it be possible to have it replaced with a donar leg from a midget (little person)? Only drawback would be that it would be hairy all the way to the tip, but at least you could use the term "third leg" properly..